22 posts tagged “funny”

I tried to write this post yesterday but I just couldn't find the right words; I'm still having trouble finding them but I might as well put something down.

Yesterday marked the anniversary of the death of an important man in my life. I had never met the man and even though I was just a teenager when he died I felt like I knew him. His influence on me was great. He caused me to think about things I wouldn't, look at them in a different light. Had he lived he would have been the George Carlin of his generation.

The man’s name was Bill Hicks. He was a standup comedian.

I became familiar with his work back when Comedy Central would show standup comedy on a nightly basis. In three and four minute clips I would watch and memorize his routines; commentary on religion, politics, advertising and smoking. He would cut to the bone of whatever he was joking on with laser precision.

In 1993, about four months before he died he made an appearance on the David Letterman show that never aired. Letterman pulled the clip fearing the religious jokes were inappropriate for late night TV and until late January 2009 it was never broadcast.

Letterman put on an anniversary show and dedicated what seems like about half of it to having Hicks' mother on the show, apologizing to her for his mistake and finally broadcasting the censored clip.
(Here is a link to an article about the show which contains full clips of Letterman and Hicks' mother as well as the cut routine. The 'lost' Bill Hicks routine.)

I came across a quote in a book recently that I really feel fits Hicks like a glove.
"...who loved mankind so fiercely he could not do otherwise than despise it."
If you look up his work you are likely to come across several rants and jokes that really demonstrate that.

In the planning of a getaway for next weekend I considered a few destinations; San Francisco, Las Vegas and Los Angles. I spent some time online looking through the events sections of their papers and found this on the LA Times website:

Point Break - LIVE!

This uproarious interactive spoof of Kathryn Bigelow's outlandish 1991 Keanu Reeves-Patrick Swayze film

Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat that guacamole, do we not blo

approaches garage-theater Dada in its unfettered mix of mosh pit and wrap party.

Hatched as a drunken bet between former film programmer Jaime Keeling and her pal, film and theater director Jamie Hook, their mission was nothing short of reinventing theater and bringing it to the masses.

Perhaps the most intriguing thing in this adaptation is that the play stars a new Johnny Utah every night. “...they decided to pull someone from the audience each night and have them read the dialogue off cue cards. It totally worked. The way he or she ended up saying the lines was usually pretty similar to how Keanu delivered them in the movie."

The full review is here: You, too, can say 'Vaya con Dios, Brah' 

Ultimately we decided to head to San Francisco but I have to see this show before its goes away so a trip to Los Angeles is going to have to be made before too long.
 
It's currently showing on Firday and Saturday nights. More details here.

Date: November 21, 2008

Time: About 12:45

Place: Office Kitchen; Templeton, CA

 

I'm standing in the kitchen, eating a piece of leftover chicken over a trashcan the doctor's wife, walks in. She's like some sort of office mother here; always keeping an eye on people, making sure we all keep in line. So her walking in on me eating cold, leftover chicken over a trashcan probably isn't the best thing.

As I finish, toss the bones in the can, close the lid and begin washing my hands she picks up paperwork her husband has left on the kitchen tables.

While washing my hands I think to myself that I should make some sort of small talk.

Those that know me can attest that small talk is not my strong suit but I decided to take stab at it anyway.

"So, you're a vegetarian, right?"

"Yes."

"Are your children vegetarian? My girlfriend is and she's always saying that when we have kids she wants to bring them up vegetarian."

She smiles pleasantly and says, "They mostly are but by choice. I didn't bring them up that way. It's so hard to be vegetarian and a kid. You can't go to parties or friends houses and expect to find something to eat most of the time. But now that they are older they choose to be mostly. Doc, obviously, is not."

"Yeah, I can imagine. Even as an adult it's hard to find vegetarian fare at restaurants. Soups and rice are made with chicken stock all the time, I can't imagine how hard it would have been to raise your kids vegetarian."

"Exactly. That's why I didn't. I still have trouble going to restaurants. We went to AJ's the other night and I asked for a baked potato with broccoli on it but they wouldn't do it."

"Well that's very shocking. They have broccoli on the menu, why couldn't they put it on the potato?"

You know what, does anyone care about this dialog?

Probably not.

We stood in the kitchen talking about vegetarian foods, restaurant options and nightmares for a good five minutes. Me leaning against the counter, her across the room sorting through paperwork.

The conversation came to an end; she was done with his papers and I had finished the apple tart that I had picked up from a dish a patient brought in.

I go back into my office, sit down in my chair and suddenly realize:

My fly had been down the entire time.

Previously: Afraid of Heights

This transcription is as close as I can recall to actual events. I wish I had written it all down right after it happened because I feel like I'm missing something but it's been close to 24 hours now and my memory of the event is quickly fading...

SD: Fish, explain to me what an electoral vote is.
Fish: Hmmm...OK...are you in a union?
SD: No
Fish: Do you know how a union works?
SD: No
Fish: Hmmmm....OK...well...OK...when you vote you're voting for someone but what you are really voting is for someone else to go and vote for you.
SD: What?
Fish: Um....OK, so you know how Al Gore lost in 2000 but he had the popular vote?
SD: No. But whatever.
Fish: OK...well...You know how the United States is a democracy?
SD: Yes.
Fish: OK. It's not really a democracy. We are a republic.
SD: What? We are a democracy!
Fish: OK, we are what's called a republic where we elect other people to do our voting for us. We are a republican democracy. (I realize I made a gaffe here, I should have said "representative democracy" but there you have it.)
SD: You can't be a republican and a democrat
Fish: That's not what I'm saying. Look , if we lived in a democracy we would be voting all the time, like every week. Every time there is a decision to be made we would have to vote. Right?
SD: I guess
Fish: OK. So rather than do that we elect people to vote for us. 
SD: Uh huh.
Fish: So that's what an electoral vote is. We vote for someone to vote for us.
SD: What?
Fish: *Sigh* - OK so you know California has like 30 million people in it?
SD: Yes
Fish: OK, well, when all those people went and voted for the president. Right? A bunch voted for McCain and more voted for Barack Obama. Right? Who ever gets the most votes wins the electoral votes. The votes that count towards the presidency. So California has 55 votes. There maybe 30 million people here but those 30 million people are represented by 55 people who vote for us.
SD: So if you voted for McCain...you didn't actually vote for him because he didn't get enough votes?
Fish: Yeah. I guess. Even if he got 49% of the vote and Obama for 51% all that matters is that 51%. He won so all the votes go to him.
SD: What if those people don't vote for who you tell them to?
Fish: I don't know. I'm sure they can vote for whoever they want if they wanted but they are supposed to vote for who we tell them to. If they didn't I'm sure there would be trouble.
SD: Why does California have 55 votes?
Fish: It's based on population. California has the most people so we get the most votes. We get 55 where a small state like Hawaii only has 4 because they don't have as many people.
SD: But what about Texas?
Fish: They have a lot too.
SD: But it's bigger than California.
Fish: Yes but only in size, it doesn't matter how big the state is it's about how many people live there. Alaska is bigger than California and Texas but they don't have many votes because nobody lives in Alaska.
SD: Are you sure?
Fish: Yes.
SD: Why 55?
Fish: Actually, I don't know. (I've since learned it is the number of people we have in the House and Senate.)

At this point the phone rang and I was off the hook for having to explain this any further.

The setting:
Halloween party

The cast:
Asian Guy (I can't remember his name.)
Dude Dressed As A Keg Of Beer.

Asian Guy was dressed as Neo from The Matrix.
DDAAKOB was dressed as...I think the name says it all...

OK so DDAAKOB comes bounding in the room, literally bounding, like Tigger. He sees Asian Guy and gives him a hug/handshake.

DDAAKOB: "Are you the Asian guy from The Matrix?"
Asian Guy: "Yeah."
DDAAKOB: "Damn! Dude! I knew you'd be dressed as an Asian something!"

This afternoon, after work I went to go donate blood.
It's been a while since I've donated and I've been thinking of getting back into the habit of donating regularly.

I made an appointment for 4:00, showed up just a few minutes late and was told that I would have to wait an hour to donate.
I wasn't too happy about that but I didn't have anything else going on so I waited.

In preparation for this donating event I spent all day long eating and hydrating. I had double helpings of breakfast and lunch. I drank 5 glasses of water before noon and another four after lunch an orange juice on the way to donate and a bottle of water while I was waiting to donate.

After answering all the mandatory questions about my medical history I was finally allowed to lay down in one of the chairs and offer up a vein.

That's where the problem started.
The nurse put the blood pressure cuff on me, inflated it to the point where it hurt, had me squeeze the little ball, etc.
After what seemed like an eternity she found a vein, or at least thought she did.
She started sticking me with the needle and it started to hurt like it's never hurt before.
It stung and ached and my arm was on fire all at the same time.
Suddenly I was sweating.
"Ouch, that hurts." I said.
She adjusted the needle and it hurt less for a moment.
"The needle is very near the vein and that's the pain your feeling," she told me.
She readjusted the needle and as soon as she did my arm hurt twice as much as it did before.
I made my discomfort known and she asked if I wanted to stop the donation.
"Yes!" I said between my teeth.
She pulled out the needle, put a gauze patch on my arm and while she was wrapping it with the tape said to me:
"I'm sorry, it just wasn't big enough."

For those who don't know; I was kicked out of a video game store back in April when I got into an argument with the manager over the return policy.
A week before I had bought a used game (Super Mario Bros. 3) for my Nintendo DS and it only worked half the time in my DS. The receipt clearly stated that I could exchange defective merchandise for the same product within 10 days, considering that it had only been 8 days I figured it would be no problem to exchange the game, they had plenty of other copies.

At first it was just a lowly employee who refused to exchange it, the reason being the cartridge was a different color than the others they had in stock. It was, it was black instead of grey.
I demanded that I get an exchange and she went and spoke to the manager. He came out and started giving me the same line and this time telling me how the cover was different too. It was, everything was slightly larger than on other covers.
"That doesn't make any difference, it's the same game. You can put them in the and they play exactly the same."
"They are not the same game."
"Yes, they are. They both have the same name of the outside, when you put them in they have identical game play. This one," picking up my copy "just doesn't work right in my DS and I want to exchange it."
"You can't, it's a different game."
"No it's not, it says right here on the receipt that it's the same game and that I bought it here. It also says I can exchange it if I want, and that's what I want."
"It says you can exchange for the same product only."
"Yes, and that's what I want, the same product. I'll take any one of those copies you have there," pointing at the display case.

Things escalated from there and some harsh words were spoken. I may have called his mothers virtue into question as well as his own intelligence.

In the end I got my money back, and was told to never return to that Game Stop location again.

Now then. Today...
I thought I might go buy Big Brain Academy Wii Degree for my Wii and I needed to go to the grocery store in the same plaza to pickup a few items during lunch.
I thought about it for a while and decided that the chances of running into the manager again were pretty slim; I'd never seen him at that store before that day. I decided to chance it and go in.
First I looked at used games and didn't find anything interesting so I asked the guy, David according to his name tag, if they had any copies of Wii Degree.
Before answering me he kept talking to the other guy working about how he knows all of this stores employees online handles; it was fascinating stuff.
"We have tons of that" he said opening the drawer and handing me a copy.
"Would you be interested in reserving any upcoming games."
"No."
"Do you have any systems other than the Wii."
"Sure, I've got a DS but there aren't any games coming out that I'm interested in right now."
"Not even Phantom Hourglass?"

(Phantom Hourglass is the upcoming Legend of Zelda game, which I am very interested in but not enough to reserve it.)

"Nah, I'll pick it up when it comes out in December."
"Well," he said in a superior tone "it comes out in October."
"Really? I read it came out in December, oh well, I guess I'll get it in October."
"All I can say is good luck finding a copy."
"That's what they said about the Wii and I got it on the first day."
"Good for you; but games aren't the same."
"You're right, they make more games than they do game consoles so I've got a better chance of getting a copy."
"What was the last game you bought?"
"Wii Play."
"How long did you have to look for it and how much did you pay for it?"
"Two days and I payed less than $50."
"You over paid."
"Not really. That's the retail price for it. I just saw it on your self and it was $50."
David shrugged his shoulders at me, as if he is finally giving up.
"I'm not preordering any games, just ring me up."

Just then, as I punch in my PIN number for my purchase guess who comes out of the back of the store?

The manager that kicked me out in April.

"I thought I told you never to come back in here again!"
There was a crowd of kids making all kinds of noise in the store and suddenly it was quite.
The receipt started printing.
"I'm talking to you!" Pointing at me. "Get out of here."
I looked at David and he tore off the receipt from the printer.
"Have a nice day."
"Don't come back!"

OK, so back in like 1990something I was working in a high school TA / IT assistant by day; by night I was working at the school wiring it for the Internet. Six drops in every room.
Because of this unique position I got to be good friends with the custodial crew; one of them, Warren, AKA "Roadhawg" was an early adopter of the Internet and spent his breaks in class rooms that I had already wired surfing the web. He found all kinds of links, most of them forgotten but some still stand out as clear as day.

Cows With Guns is one of those sites.

The website has changed significantly since the early days of the web when we used to code HTML by hand in Notepad and Simple Text, but some of the same images are still there. http://www.cowswithguns.com

It's a pretty decent album; aside from cows with guns he sings about farmers rights, the untimely death of River Phoenix, the fishing industry, vacationing in an RV...all kinds of stuff.

From: (Fish)

Sent: Wednesday, May 24, 2006 10:12 AM
To: Sexy Corn Muffin; RRX
Subject: Afraid of heights

 So...
JFM calls me today and says "lets go meet this client, they are old friends of mine and I want to get tons of work from them."

I go, meet these people, ask all the appropriate questions, shake hands, smile, give out my business card laugh at jokes about my age, say thank you and good bye.

Then...as JFM and I are standing at the elevator waiting to go back down to his car I notice that my zipper has been down the entire time.

On 5/24/06, Sexy Corn Muffin wrote:

HORRIFYING! So did they see the goods?

On 5/24/06, (Fish) wrote:

I don't think so. I made many attempts to make eye contact during the event and most were reciprocated.

On 5/24/06, RRX wrote:

Do you normally not make eye contact, or care to?

On 5/24/06, (Fish) wrote:

It depends on who I'm talking to. Most times I don't.
I really interested in what people have around them. What is in your office, what makes you you, that sort of thing.
Also I have extreme paranoia (like I try not to sit with my back to a door type) and I am always looking around for threats, which kind of makes eye contact hard.

On 5/24/06, RRX wrote:

Ah. Yes. Richard always had the threat paranoia. He did the same things in that regard.

I have always had a great fear of the zipper situation. It's resulted in a regular behavior of checking constantly throughout the day.
I have the same thing with my wallet. I'm constantly aware of it being in my pocket.

On 5/24/06, (Fish) wrote:

Richard or RH who used to work here? I've long suspected that other people like me (nerds, misfits, etc) have the same fear.

On 5/24/06, RRX wrote:

1) Richard.

2) I think his paranoia came from watching The Godfather too many times.

3) Not to any extended degree, I think about such things. My thoughts are more on sizing up the people around me instead of the environment. And that will probably be my downfall one day.